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October 31st brings us all kinds of horrors. Months ago, before our world was crumbling into dust due to a pandemic sweeping across the globe faster than mold on a piece of aged cheddar cheese, the scariest thing about this万圣节是在星期六的满月中发生的。餐馆和酒吧急切地期待着所有万圣节的前夕,知道这将是一个放荡,有趣和高高支票的夜晚。不过今年,情况有所不同。这个万圣节为服务员和女服务员来说最恐怖的事情就是stress dreamsthat every server has on a routine basis.

当然每个人都有stress dreams涉及他们的工作。老师可能会梦想着一个学生的教室,他们对代数比他们更了解代数,也许律师梦想着在内衣中争论案件。但是我从80年代后期开始就一直是服务器,我坚信没有噩梦terrifying and stressfulas that of a restaurant employee.

(clap of ominous thunder)

It is a dark and stormy lunch shift. The restaurant is longer than a football field, with the kitchen in one end zone and the front door to the restaurant in the other. My section isn’t just the expected six or seven tables, but it’s the entire restaurant with tables and customers are far as my bloodshot eyes can see and I’m the only server. The hostess is Bea Arthur, but not the Bea Arthur we all know and love fromThe Golden Girls。It’s Bea Arthur circa 1964 and she’s dressed as Yente from屋顶上的小提琴手

“You’ve got a party of 12 and they’re in a hurry,” she yells out to me. “And they wanna sit over there.” She points to the Bed, Bath and Beyond across the street and goes back to the hostess stand.

I want to ask her what it was like working with Angela Lansbury on Broadway, but realize that she’s still doing屋顶上的小提琴手, 和Mamedoesn’t even open for two more years. By this point, there are now hundreds of other customers waiting for me to take their order, but I decide to focus on the large party sitting amongst the sheets and duvet covers at Bed, Bath and Beyond. As I’m waiting for the eight lanes of traffic to ease up so I can cross the street, Bea Arthur taps me on the shoulder.

“The guy at Table 1432 needs the Heimlich and Table 12 is waiting for this hot tea.” She hands me an amuse bouche spoon that is filled with Earl Grey and it spills to the floor.

“We must be out of咖啡杯再次,我想。

我立即前往桌子1432,在河中一个小岛的一个小郊区公园中间,它莫名其妙,所以我必须在那里游泳,以便从我的高中仇敌的喉咙上驱动一只小焦糖。当我回去时,我可以看到Bea Arthur在更多的客户中争吵。她看起来像牛仔在牛驱动器上。


I look at the kitchen which is so far away that it seems like a mirage. No matter how far I walk, it never gets closer and this is when I realize I’m on one of those moving sidewalks that are so often at airports and I’m walking the wrong direction on it. Customers have taken to writing down their own orders and as they pass by, they hand me sticky notes and bev naps covered in chicken scratch.

“Just make sure you have your table numbers on them,“ I plead. “And please write legibly.” My apron is stuffed with orders. Customers are asking me where their food is and the kitchen is just as far away as it was when I started walking.

“床,洗澡和超越!”尖叫Bea Arthur。

I hop off the moving sidewalk and race to the kitchen as customers clamor behind me like zombies who are hungry for roasted chicken rather than brains. Their arms are relentlessly grabbing at me and in my haste to get away from them, several of their food orders fly from my apron and blow into the river, floating downstream to Table 1432.




“What’s your real job?”

我感到恐惧和恐慌。冷汗会从我的背上滴下来,我转身奔跑,知道这是不可能取悦这些人的。步入式冷却器可以触及,所以我将银舱盖上室内。站在那儿的是Bea Arthur,穿着黑色的衣服,穿着头巾。她从她的角色Vera变成了Mame。她旁边是安吉拉·兰斯伯里(Angela Lansbury斯威尼·托德(Sweeney Todd),拿着滚动别针。她的围裙覆盖着鲜血,我的围裙上覆盖着蜂蜜芥末酱和烧烤酱。

“万圣节里,这很少有满月,”比尔·亚瑟(Bea Arthur)以同一时间的丝滑和严重的声音pur怒。“奇怪的事情在满月期间发生。”


“Aye, love, serve ‘em some meat pies and call it a day,” says Angela.

Bea Arthur将她的手放在我的下巴上,并轻轻地朝着悬挂在天空的明亮月亮方向上旋转我的头。“这只是一个梦。如果您愿意,服务器的噩梦。现在,听我要告诉你的。”

I can feel her cool, gray eyes boring into my soul as I’m waiting for the key that will unlock me from this torment. The customers are getting closer, the whirring of the printer is growing louder by the second. She leans into my ear and whispers to me.



“我不是支付成功l price for these super grande nachos because these coupons never expire. I want to see the manager!”

She begins to scream and that scream turns into a long, piercing, steam whistle that reaches into the deepest folds of my brain. Bea Arthur and Angela Lansbury laugh maniacally, in perfect harmony and then I wake up. One more stress dream in the books for this server. Halloween may have a full moon this year, but nothing is more terrifying than a server nightmare.